I've emailed quite a few people and have been very surprised at the 100% reply rate I've received and in some instances, the conversations that have developed from them.
The emails are usually very short, personalised messages along the lines of "Hi X, thank you very much for Y. It had a positive impact on me because of Z. All the best"
Some of the people include small to medium sized musicians, authors, developers, and teachers.
I kind of feel like a bit of a weirdo doing it because I don't really hear of many people who do the same. But sometimes I just genuinely want to thank a person for what they've contributed.
Here's something I did last year, which I'll be doing again in a few weeks.
Back in high school, I had a really great math teacher. He really created excitement about the subject, and he always had extra time to teach extra stuff to us. Just a really cool guy who'd show us Monty Python videos sketches and then some interesting math problems. It was really night and day when compared to for instance what came later at university. I found myself practicing a lot of extra math for no reason. Plus of course it made actual math class a breeze.
Three of us went to do a math contest each year, and in the final year - he was retiring, we were graduating - we won the contest.
So I've arranged for the other two to fly over to me and we're going on a road trip to see him.
If you're wondering whether he's bothered by it, I think he'd say that was the whole purpose of teaching, to show young people some interesting stuff and motivate them. The guy even sees his old "kids" who are now in their early 60s. He's mid 80s.
I could tell after that he was touched by my gesture.
I guess that what I'm trying to say is we don't arrive anywhere just with our strengths only. And we have to aknowledge that, not forget the help and pay it forward. Be human and say thank you!
Years and a few start-ups after that, I landed in a company was slated to have what looked to be a solid IPO, and I got a block of "Friends and Family" stock - shares which can give to whoever you want to purchase at the opening IPO share price.
I believed I owed much of my success to a few of my managers from my corporate days, who taught me as much common sense and good management as anything. Even though I had't spoken to some of them in over a decade, I tracked them down and passed on the opportunity to purchase the shares.
They were astonished to hear from me after so long, and even more astonished by the opportunity. Since they were still in the corporate world, or retired, the shares turned out to an unexpected windfall which had a real impact on their lives.
To this day I'm most happy about that result.
No longer was I chastised for writing ugly and not underlining the final answer. No longer were repeated computations and rote memorization the order of the day. It turned out that those things aren't math at all.
That year math went from being something I'd come home crying about to being an amazing new world.
I now have a PhD in math, but more importantly, math has entirely changed how I view and approach the world. Thank you, MB. My life would have been immeasurably poorer if not for what you showed me that year. I wish I had been mature enough to tell you this before you passed away.
There is so much more story here!
That's incredible. In lieu of thanking your late teacher directly, you could pass this message along to the school's current administration. As a direct alumnus rather than a random person on the internet, they may be more receptive to the notion of looking for teachers who are truly interesting. As I'm sure that difference plays out in their classrooms to this day.
So what? Be the weirdo. The world needs more weirdos to combat the creeping Normie Conquest ;)
There's nothing weird about sending cold emails to give props. I've been doing it all my life. And now I find myself on the receiving end. And it always feels heart-warming. Especially if I can point someone to a resource or facilitate an introduction. This is how the world works. Random walk diffusion.
Now I am currently at the stage where I am trying to make the leap from the single one-on-one personal email. To the mass harvested email list in the 500-1000 user range. I still want to make it personal. I have targeted specific fields of interest. For example, "AI/ML researchers". And I know I am crafting content that will delight and enlighten. But its hard to pull the trigger on something I personally find so detestable, unsolicited noise.
Yet, I still think this is one of the best modes for seeding initial distribution...
A good example is Karabiner-Elements, a keyboard remapper for macOS. The author and his team has been making sure that it works with every yearly update.
I've sent him a thank-you note, and now follow up yearly with a donation.
https://github.com/pqrs-org/Karabiner-Elements
He wrote me back, and was very gracious.
This is what it means to be human. Well done!
Anyway, I told his family after he died and I think they appreciated it.
Bottomline of this little anecdote is that if you want to tell someone how grateful you are, don't wait until you can meet in person and just write a nice email, like the OP suggests.
don't wait
I've also credited them in some of my writings:
https://jacquesmattheij.com/your-own-company-you-can-do-it/
Realizing that you need other people to get ahead and that some people will take a chance on you when nobody else will is a good start in paying it forward. It will prepare you for the day when you can take a chance on someone. And some of those will work out, and some won't. I'm happy to say that on the whole more than half of those cases worked out very well indeed.
Worth noting is that not all feedback was positive, I received one very weird response that I can't really square with my recollection of the past but then again, a lot of time has passed and who knows the state of mind the recipient was in. I certainly don't hold it against them.
> – dedicated to Piet Tacx, Fred Fluitsma and Eddy de Leeuw, thank you both very much for my early career and everything that followed from it.
it says "both" but you're thanking three people :-)
That is so true.
Just 2 weeks ago I have sent an expensive whisky bottle to my highschool Computer Science teacher. He let me manage the school website and that trust has had some influence on my career.
Not many people do this and you are really putting a smile on those people faces. I don't want it to sound transactional, but apart from being nice, this is also introducing serendipity and connections into your life. Literally no downside
AJ Jacobs "Thanks a Thousand" is a book based on this gratitude. A good start is his episode on the Tim Ferriss show: https://tim.blog/2018/11/05/a-j-jacobs/
I've been surprised through the years by how many people in my life turned out to be recovering alcoholics. It's not a part of people's lives that they're generally eager to share with students, coworkers or mentees.
It's so easy to give negative feedback and feels like it'll be taken as "creepy" or with some other intention to give positive feedback.
FWIW I've been making a concerted effort to give out much more positive feedback, since I had a psychiatrist who said "it takes roughly 9x the positivity to offset 1x of negativity" (or something to that effect), "So make sure when you feel something positive that you let people know, it's very important" and honestly just being brave enough to give that kind of positive feedback is enough.
I can tell you _for sure_ that it's appreciated, and you should definitely not have any inhibitions if it's well intentioned.
In fact, this post has inspired me to increase the scope of my positive feedback, so, thank you. :)
Amazing, I've never thought about it that way, but it's very accurate.
Guess what that makes us? Really good at spotting problems.
It does not automatically make us good at expressing appreciation or praise. We have to develop that deliberately.
Had a couple of phys ed teachers in high school who were not into the usual UK triad of (soccer/rugby/cricket). I had already started ultra-distance running myself, and they supported and encouraged me, including inviting me to go a race (the Manx Mountain Marathon) with them. Having people around who not only told me there was nothing crazy about this sort of thing but who actively celebrated and loved it totally changed my life. I've been an endurance athlete ever since, and about 6 years ago managed to track one of them down (35 years later) to thank them for what they had done. It was a great phone call.
Right now, I'm writing a letter to a semi-famous solar inventor (Steve Baer) who really influenced me when I was a teenager growing up in London. I implemented one of his patents as my high school physics final project (an osmotic heat pipe), and then visited him at his zome home outside of Albuquerque, NM. I reached out to him about 20 years ago to see if he still remembered me, and he said "Of course! You're that Brit kid who built the heat pipe that Hughes stole from me". As fate or luck would have it, I now live about 50 miles north of him in a tiny village in New Mexico, and would like to see him again and thank him once more for the many different ways he influenced my life. Letter should go out tomorrow.
I agree it can feel like a strange thing to do, but in my personal experience the effects are amazing, not only on the person you write to, but also on yourself.
I figure it this way: I'm using "free" software, but what if I wasn't? What would I spend on Windows licenses and apps and stuff over a year? I'll set aside that amount of money, and put it into the hands of those who deserve it.
In several cases, folks have asked me to give the cash to a charity instead, or find another project to support because they're doing alright and the words mean more than a few bucks.
Not only have I gotten some fantastically appreciative responses, but I also come away with a glowing pride and deep satisfaction myself.
Their commitment isn't thankless. My gratitude isn't silent. The feedback loop isn't broken, and the end-user's voice has been heard loud and clear.
It says "you're awesome".
I’ve been trying to work on writing to more people every year as it can be quite intimidating sometimes, writing to those you admire, but the pretext of thanksgiving helps overcome that.
What a nice idea!
When I got my degree in Math I wrote to the high school math teacher who let me take advanced courses even though I did not have the prerequisite classes. She seemed very happy to hear from me, and also I felt that I had done a good thing. Positive all around.
I looked up and thanked a programmer who came after school for a computer club. He helped a lot in getting me into computing.
I got the feeling he was thinking I was after a job. I wasn't - I was employed as a dev. It was purely because I was grateful.
Many people are suspicious of those that come out of the woodwork to contact them.
However this is a good point, thanks! I believe it is a good idea to slightly mention in the email that you are not looking after anything.
One of the first times, I decided timing matters. I had occasion to remember how much I admired a particular manager who'd helped my career a lot, and I emailed him just to say something like I realized and appreciated it, and that I try to emulate that. One of the things he said in his response was to offer connections for job-hunting. Fortunately, I wasn't looking at the time, and I realized that the message seems more genuine if there's no question of whether your motivation might be to network, rather than purely to thank the person.
One of the reasons I was thinking about this recently, is that I suspect I was helped out with something recently, by someone who knows me, but I don't know exactly who, and I pretty quickly came up with about a dozen likely candidates. A lot of the help that we get and give is done quietly, and often no one will know, but we can at least thank people for what we do know.
As someone who has occasionally written things that have found a reasonably big audience, it really is heartwarming to receive messages of appreciation, and a motivator to keep doing what you're doing.
I must confess I haven't always been as good as responding to these messages as I should, usually because I've been going through a tough spot in my own life and have found it hard to find the time and words to convey my own gratitude.
So even if you don't get a reply, trust that your messages are most likely seen and appreciated.
It never comes over as creepy, as long as it's sincere. It can seem creepy if it's a segue into a sales pitch or a request for an intro to someone else, but it doesn't sound like you're doing that at all.
Thanks to your post I have a new intention for this year: make sure I reply to everyone who has sent me such a message (now that I'm in a better place in my life, because these messages helped me get there), and start sending more messages to people who've had an impact on me.
It makes a difference to know you had a positive impact on someone. And a surprising email, call or meet can be pretty heartwarming. The further you go out of your way to do it, the more it becomes obvious that the person really did something special and different to everyone else, and that always feels good, even if they don't show it.
In my experience, most people are not amazing at what they do, or have deep passion for it. For the few that really do, and have a positive impact on you, it's worth acknowledging them. School teachers, for example, I can count on fingers how many were amazing (most were awful and hated their job), yet they presumably all get paid the same. I think some appreciation here goes a long way. After all, people in our childhood tend to affect our adulthood the most.
I had a couple of lovely messages myself after selling my company in 2018 and they did a lot to help me square my impression of myself as committing career suicide / being a dreadful sellout etc. etc.
Do it!
On the other hand, there was a manager I had at my first "big" job (that wasn't a small computer repair shop) who I butted heads with pretty badly, also as a young person. He ended up firing me, but not before teaching me tons and telling me things that stick with me til this day- things I now teach! Maybe I should. It's been over 20 years since he fired me, I think the statute of limitations has run out :p
When I was young I was active in the demoscene but I knew few other demosceners in person. Needless to say, I looked up super much to many demomakers, genius programmers/artists who seemingly could create madly impressive works out of thin air. It was as if they could convert dreams into code, or something [0].
Then gradually, after visiting more demoparties, I got to know some of these gods, and without exception, they were super nice. I ended up collaborating (gasp) with some of them.
I'm convinced that if you're popular and you're overrun by fans every day, it gets tiresome. That's where that saying comes from. But I'm sure that your favourite knitting youtuber, or your physics teacher, or that amateur Ambient Techno Metal producer on soundcloud you're totally mad about, they really don't get fan mail often enough. Reach out.
[0] eg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvPriI0sTwQ how??
In another case, the developer of one of my favorite games, Fez, seems to have garnered a certain unfavorable reputation, that, whether warranted or unwarranted, comes up in most mentions of the game.
That saying is more a warning against such disillusionments than about never reaching out.
But in reality, some people are nothing like what their public image suggests (i.e. they might actually be fairly unfriendly, negative, unwelcoming etc).
Of course, that 'hero' might also just be having a bad day or was feeling tired when their fans approached them - which is sort of a flaw in the whole "never meet your heroes" idea.
1. https://www-users.york.ac.uk/~mb55/pubs/pbstnote.htm
I have contacted just a few people (every two/three months) and sent them longer texts with specific examples of why something they did or said had a positive impact on me. The channel does not matter to me, it depends on what kind of contact possibilities I have to that person. It's usually a really long compliment, which I let one or two persons, who know the one I'm writing to, proof-read. I want to make sure it conveys the genuine "thank you" and does not make me look like a stalker or trying to flirt.
Since I only got a ~33% response rate, I am unsure whether I should continue doing that - 66% of the people I've contacted probably see me as a weirdo...
It might be a bit weird indeed, but I'm sure none of the people at the receiving side find it weird.
When I get such emails, I feel good and think "what a nice person".
I'm sure "nice person" outweighs "weirdo" in this case.
Regardless, it makes me feel good to know that the people who've had an impact on me know that what they're doing makes a difference. I bet there are a lot of people out there who've done a ton of good, but have never had anyone thank them, and I want to make sure that happens as little as possible.
There is a data analysis tool named Powerdrill at google. It is one of the most useful tools i have used, and its impact on the progress of people's projects was huge. It makes data slicing and analysis a breeze, and it always was somewhat implicit that we use it, but we dont think about the work went into it.
I asked around to find one of the key guys/initiators. I sent him a message saying a lot of engineers are very thankful for the tool, and it created huge impact. Another friend who sit close to him pinged me the same day, and told me "you made his day". Hearing this made my day, too...
From that day on, i try to send people email praising them for a nontrivial work they do good on. I hate group praise, especially when people have no idea what is being done or who is doing it but still respond saying how hard of a work that must have been. This personal email means much much more to receiving side.
- I was in a pretty popular local band 20 years ago. I still get recognized now and then and people share how much they liked the band. It’s pretty amazing to hear someone remember I helped make them happy 20 years ago!
- at my day job we usually only hear from customers when there is a problem. It’s really hard to remember that most of our customers like our stuff. But they rarely reach out to tell us. However at trade shows we often meet customers in passing and the feedback is great (and moral boosting).
- I make wordclocks as a side hobby. After years of people telling my I should sell them, I finally started. Selling something I made is pretty gratifying. But the conversations from my Show HN [0] last year were awesome!
[0] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=18950130
This was the first time I've also become a Pateron for somebody, but I really felt like I wanted to give back/support their content.
They did respond with a nice message too so it seemed that it actually reached them.
Good friendships have been formed over this approach though.
Last year I found her on facebook, just retiring. I shared some good memories I had of her, and updated her on some classmates of mine who had gone on to good things (one MSCS, one CPA, one PhD, one MD). I said I could speak for all of them that she had been the best thing that had happened to us in high school.
Her response was lovely, she remembered us all, and was very appreciative of my contact.
She died of breast cancer only about three months later after a very long fight. I was pleased to have made her feel good about herself right there at the end.
It's definitely not to common, but I think it's great to send positive vibes down the wires.
I have a near 100% response rate - which is usually just a "thanks!" - but I clicked with one author and we've traded book recommendations off and on for ~3 years. He tipped me off to the Passage Trilogy which was great.
Who knew that kind words had a good impact!? ;)
Basically, never promise more than what you are not able to satisfy, it makes you look irresponsible and like a b-s-er.
And over-deliver. Add more value to others/the_task/bid/promise than what you promised. You’ll have a better foundation with the person and they will regard you as responsible but also helpful/resourceful and that will likely ensure you have good on the table.
They loved to hear it. That's also why I do it. This job meant more to me than just employment.
I like the idea, though. I'll give it a shot at sending them in the future.
My tween son and I have been listening to Jack Benny radio programs for approximately two years. They're funny and clean, and mostly not problematic. And they're guaranteed to knock my son out at night.
The sad part is every single person associated with the show passed decades ago. We literally have no one to thank.
So, thank you Jack, Mary, Dennis, Rochester, Phil, and Don. You too Kenny, even though you kinda sucked.
I would caution you against trying to shield your son against “problematic” content, if by that you mean stuff that isn’t up to the precise current standard of political correctness. For one thing, such an effort is doomed to fail. For another, it may keep him from getting to experience some of the best comedy ever. For an obvious example, I’m grateful to have also grown up with the films of Mel Brooks, many of which are about as “problematic” as they come and yet still funny and even profound.
Anderson was a black comedian getting top billing and a high salary. His character often gets the better of Jack Benny, and is always treated respectfully (as respectfully as any of the characters, anyway.)
Compare that to "Amos and Andy" where two white actors play blackface and are often the butt of the joke.
I know someday he'll be ready for Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor, but frankly, I'm just trying to get a boy to bed... ;-D
Recently, I enjoyed seeing Ernie Anderson in the original Brewster’s Millions. There’s something very satisfying about seeing his face instead of only hearing his iconic voice.
Reaching out to people by mail usually works the way you describe it.
The only way most people do it wrong is that they don't say "thank you" first but they want something from you.
Politicians get a lot of hate, and I'm sure positive messages have an impact for them too.
I’d say a physical letter stands out even more.
"Hi Professor Harris,
I still talk about how well your phonetic approach to Spanish 1 worked when you taught me over 25 years ago. Since email makes it easy to mention this to you, I thought I would."
To be transparent, my fake attempts clearly displayed lack of approachability and interest. They just don't make sense any longer to me. I have a strong bias towards quality and risk over quantity and spray gun approaches.
There are three things that stand out from my analysis to make this effective:
- Genuinely appreciate your need to reach out. You cannot fake stuff for long
- Articulate your reasons and your homework as well as you can. This can mean a bit of hardwork but it is worth every bit
- Express gratitude and understanding even if the answer is negative. People have other things to do
On point 3, that is not a dead-end, pick up if you have a stronger case and try again without being painful
Also, get out of your comfort zone. The odds are in your favor IMHO. And yeah, don't get personal ... it does no good.
I'm still actively learning ... so this is quite experiential as we speak
I have changed where I live. I didn't have that many people in my life regardless - but it doesn't take much to see how isolated I've become, so any kind of _socialising_ is helpful in my quest to not go insane.
My calendar is full of friends and business associates’ birthdays. The occasion of of someone’s birthday is a great reason for a phone call or a long catchup email.
j/k ofcourse.
I think it's good what you do. A little positivity can go a long way. even though you might not expect it from someone who influenced you positively, but hearing such feedback might mean a lot to them personally and lift them up in their lives and day too, knowing they had some positive impact on someone. Imo too few people do this. good stuff and keep it up!
I wrote actual physical letters, though. I think it's just more personal.
I imagine most people feel the same way.
So how can it not be good? (Assuming you are being genuine)
Thanks for remind me.
He did reply and let me know ways I could help.
If someone had a positive impact on you just tell them when you meet in person. If you are really intent on contacting them for whatever reason, then a personal letter might be better.
Maybe I just don't feel people are being weird/creepy when they thank me for the effort I've put into things?
Re: "email is impersonal". To me, it's not. But then... I use a lot of emoticons and similar, to help convey things better than "impersonally". :D
That's good to hear, but what else do you expect them to say? You put them on the spot and I suspect 99% of the people would be polite.
> Maybe I just don't feel people are being weird/creepy when they thank me for the effort I've put into things?
If you didn't think it was weird/creepy, why are you here trying to get validation? I suspect deep down you know it is a bit weird and that's why you are seeking validation here. Or this is just another of those manipulative social engineering ploys you see all over social media.
> Re: "email is impersonal". To me, it's not. But then... I use a lot of emoticons and similar, to help convey things better than "impersonally". :D
That would come off as even creepier unless you are contacting family/friends. And if you are contacting family/friends, why not tell them in person when you meet them? And if it is just business acquaintances who helped you out, emails full of emoticons would come off as silly and unprofessional. But then again, I'm one of those ancient former 90s kids.
I also love that with these types of self-validation posts, only validating comments we know deep down are not true are upvoted, but the reality based critical comments we know deep down are true get downvoted. But whatever the agenda was in regards to your post, I hope you got what you wanted out of it.
Did you read too fast or something? I'm talking about people who's emailed me out of the blue.
> If you didn't think it was weird/creepy, why are you here trying to get validation?
Huh? What are you even talking about?
What "trying to get validation"?
I was saying that people who've emailed me don't come across as weird of creepy.
Not sure where you're getting the rest of your ... [I don't even know what to call that] from. It sounds like you're trying to put people down. It's weird.
> That would come off as even creepier unless you are contacting family/friends.
Heh Heh Heh. Well, that explains a few things. You don't seem to understand how to communicate via text, and seem to misinterpret things in bizarre ways, and/or put people down.
Good luck with that. ;)
> ... why not tell them in person when you meet them?
Meet who?
The vast majority of people I communicate with are not people I've ever met in person, not are likely to.
Distributed teams are a thing. ;)
Sounds like your life is lived very differently, and you just can't relate. No worries. ;)
Sorry, I did.
> Huh? What are you even talking about?
Your post. The purpose of your post. If you didn't think it was weird, why would you seek validation here?
> You don't seem to understand how to communicate via text, and seem to misinterpret things in bizarre ways, and/or put people down.
Text? I thought you said email?
> Meet who?
I was very specific in my comment.
> Distributed teams are a thing. ;)
Oh you didn't mention people you were currently working with. Your post made it seem like just random people in your past. Of course thanking people you work with for their help and contribution is normal and appreciated.
> Sounds like your life is lived very differently, and you just can't relate. No worries. ;)
Maybe. If it works, just keep doing you. Why even bother seeking validation?
If people are contacting you out of the blue and you are contacting people out of the blue, then it's a norm for you so why bother asking here? Seems strange, that's all.
justinclift isn't the one who asked the question...he was just replying to you that his experience is different.